Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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