After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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