all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
