I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize