I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
