sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
