Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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