the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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