Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
