Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize