I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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