The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
