he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
where are my eyebrows?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
