Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
