Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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