3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
