his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dick very happy bro
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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