so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
