What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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