I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
