The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
