I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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