Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
