Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
