I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize