don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
