That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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