Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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