Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
