I looked at my own cervix.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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