the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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