dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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