there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
