Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
