Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
