OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
