Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
