a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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