btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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