I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
