YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
