blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize