Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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