I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
