i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
