He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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