there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
