maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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