am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
