I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize