I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
