i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
