you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize