I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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