Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
