I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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