I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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