i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
