i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
