Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
